My shallow is deeper than most dare to go.
My mediocre is greatness.
My failures look like achievements.
My imperfections are the scars that paint stories across the canvas of me.
In the last year I've learned a few things about myself:
😬 I'm a pretty fucking intense and dynamic person. If you're afraid of your own joy, squirm in the ecstasy of unapologetic and brazen laughter, and uncomfortable playing in your shadows...you will be challenged in my presence.
😳 The way I make eye contact is an unwavering attempt at connecting with your soul. If you're not connected to yourself it feels pretty damn intimidating. I want to know you, see you, and hear you with all that I am.
🧐 What I think is common sense, isn't common in the least. Respect, integrity, honesty, and ethics are woven into the core of my being. The way some people behave and treat others is appalling to me. Take some responsibility for yourself and conjure up your tenacity...aka get your shit together and grow yourself up or we're not going to be able to hang for long.
Accepting the wildness, the intensity, and the integrity of who I am, is creating a new life around me.
When I notice I'm holding back, not wanting to be too much I have to ask myself this question:
DO I REALLY WANT A ________ (client, lover, friend) IN MY LIFE WHO DOES NOT LIKE _____________ ABOUT ME?
Do I really want to work with clients who can't handle a dropped F bomb, a dash of sass, and personal connection in the professional realm? No.
Do I really want to put time and energy into dating/relationships where I can't express my wild, worshipful, playfully obsessive nature? No.
Do I really want to have friends who can't see me, love me, and accept my very unconventional life and family? No.
Cut. The. Shit. And stop hesitating at every turn, stop stuttering when you're compelled to speak, stop overthinking every word you speak, every text you send, choice you make, and action you take.
THE ONLY PERSON WORTH BEING IS YOURSELF.
When you lay in bed at night resting in the satisfaction of living your life from the core of your soul, you'll wonder how you ever survived living it for everyone else.
I promise you, no amount of attempting to maintain the image you think everyone else has about you will comfort you when you find yourself in a literal life-or-death situation, or taking your last breaths.
It seems dark, doesn't it, to get so intense about death?
...but the contemplation of death is what allows us to see the contrast and value of life.
It brings us into the present because we eliminate the illusion, fear, and anxiety about the future which only exists in our minds.
Your inner drama, past programming, and stories may trigger EMOTIONS that are NOT EMERGENCIES in your life...remember that.
Because while what we feel and fear now isn't emergent, living life is URGENT and always trying to draw us in and compel us to let go of our limitations and liberate our most authentic self.
This journey never ends.
A year from now I will have changed again, probably more than most people change or experience in 10 years.
I might disagree with my past self, or I may see her in a different light.
I may be building on foundations I set years or even decades ago and I may be tearing other ones out of the ground, uprooting things I thought were true but no longer find useful and supportive.
This is what it means to be free. To fail and celebrate. To wade in the water, dive deep, and enjoy the sand between my toes. To let myself live live with something (gasp!) less than a 4.0 GPA.
Life is a lot more generous than we're led to believe, and so little of it is about how you measure up, how you compare to others, and how well you manage the status quo.
We're all bored of the mediocre, of false humility, and the paralysis of perfection.
Let's live in the grit, feel the texture of life, taste the nectars of pleasure, and relish in the ravenous desires that bring new worlds to life...shall we?
💋 Steena Marie