“The sex is good… great actually… but I still don’t feel comfortable in my own skin as a woman,” she said.
Sexual disconnect is not “just about sex,” the effects run deep and wide. When we measure the health and vitality of our sexuality based on the amount of pleasure we can experience in a sexual encounter - we’ve only found a fragment of an answer.
Orgasms don’t automatically equal empowerment.
Disconnect from sexual power can manifest itself in feelings of fear and lack around money, insecurity around creativity and abilities, body hate, deflecting attention, resistance in intimate relationships, nagging your children, and an obsessive clinging to dogma, rules, and perfectionism. All of these are external symptoms of self-abandonment and betrayal.
When a woman tells me she is TOTALLY in her power sexually… but still can’t set boundaries, speak her truth, unashamedly sell her products/services, get OUT of her dysfunctional marriage (or family drama!), and CLAIM her own desires… I see what she is scared shitless to face:
She has abandoned and betrayed herself.
Self-abandonment and betrayal wounds are first inflicted when we internalize shame. The feeling of shame becomes most readily available to us when we experience humiliation for who we are or how we show up in the world; our words, the way we dress, the heritage we claim.
As we take the shaming actions of another person and lock them into our own psyches, we begin collecting stories of our own unworthiness to feed the shame and keep it alive. Our shame - we believe - protects us.
In order to perform this horrid alchemy and toxic transformation within, we must decide that we no longer deserve to claim and wield our personal authority. Yes, this is, in fact, the choice that we make.
The trade off? We lose our ability to have a vision for our lives, creativity slips out the back door, and we find ourselves lost in a foggy malaise wondering where that fierce, loving, inspired version of ourselves has gone. We pick at our scabs every time we rehearse the beliefs and thoughts that reinforce:
- What if I’m not good enough?
- What if I’m too much?
- What if I’m wrong?
Sometimes shame is an active guard dog - keeping us from crossing “the line” with a series of never-ending barks and growls. Other times, shame sneaks in quietly, like a fox robbing the henhouse… just coming to snatch a bit more of our value away under cover. Both types of shame take up residence in our inner world and vie for the seat of judge. This is where shame becomes guilt.
We bestow ourselves with guilt when we begin to live in accordance with shame. We stop fighting, we stop striving, we stop giving. We go from feeling ashamed of who we are to choosing a new identity - one that is, at its core, wrong.
Our unworthiness is no longer an external idea coming in - it is an internal idea broadcasting out… it becomes our work. It becomes our madness. Guilt sucks us dry.
When we choose to immerse ourselves in guilt, we embody our inner criminal, we disgust ourselves, despise ourselves, and we fill a file case of with proof of how legitimate our judgement is. Nothing we do - no performance, no heroic act, no martyrdom - can earn us our freedom from this place.
The only way out is to remember. To call to mind whatever tiny shard of truth left after your soul was shattered by shame.
It is my sole/soul work in the world to bring women into a deep remembering of their own sexual power. To rekindle the fiery, hot, consuming romance they so deserve to have with their own inner divinity. Sure, sex is an area we can see our most intense issues and triggers, but our sexual power is about more than fixing our sex lives.
Sexual power - owning and embodying your sexuality - is about WHO you are and HOW you relate to others. It is about connecting with yourself first, and choosing to communicate and express that connection second… which creates new connections with others and keeps the growth and transformation cycle going eternally.
When a woman’s ego is so convinced that she is in her sexual power, it will stomp and tantrum and stubbornly insist it is so. This is not an embodied YES, but an uninitiated fit of dammed up grief for the woman she knows she is, but who is dying inside. When a woman is not living in integrity with who she truly is - her soul - and is still acting out, on some level, the good girl/good wife script she was given… there is yet a breadcrumb trail just waiting to be followed into her core identity and truth.
No matter how guilty, how hopeless, how destitute a woman feels, she will always have access to remember what has been severed.
The underworld of a woman’s psyche is where she must travel in order to unravel and re-weave her identity and her expression in the world. Until she does so, she will search endlessly outside of herself for:
- Safety - emotionally and sexually, even remaining in a toxic relationship for fear of vulnerability and being “available”
- Stability - financial and physical provision from others, often depending on a spouse or family members to rescue her and play her knight in shining armor
- Approval - verbal and emotional, she will beg and plead to be given permission to LIVE and manipulate and scheme… secretly… on how to get affirmation from others
However, any time a woman’s safety, stability, and approval come from outside of herself, she will live a frail and fragile existence. Everything becomes a threat to her emotional sustenance and she begins to act like a starved dog protecting her last morsels of food.
In order to come into her sexual power and fully utilize this expansive energy in her life, a woman must face her inner saboteurs. She can do this by looking at past relationships, experiences, and circumstances and owning every choice she made… without one iota of shame or guilt over those choices.
This almost always requires the support and space-holding of another. Not because she cannot travel the road alone, but because she doesn’t have to.
There is no freedom to be found in stubbornness and hyper-independence.
Keeping your past self in a box of dogma - even if it is your own personal construction - is a certain slavery… but one that a woman will remain in just to have something to depend on. Releasing victimhood, which is eternally laced with guilt, shame, and blame, means releasing yourself from the dogma of your past. Dogma consists of pre-made choices, restrictions, rules, and external “objective” regulations.
When a woman comes face to face with her inner criminal, sheds a healing light on the truth of her circumstances, and remembers her sexual power - she no longer needs her slavery to shame, guilt, blame, and dogma… she now has herself to depend on.
The only risk in releasing dogma is the risk of expanding, endlessly from sexually empowered enlightenment.
This is not the stage-worthy “enlightenment” of spiritual “gurus” that lends itself to big ego bragging, it is embodied, felt, experienced, and lived out.
In this work of allowing her identity and expression to expand, a woman becomes fully present in her power… she unapologetically reclaims her most creative, radiant self.