Being a slave to winning in order to receive love creates an inner torture chamber.
Being obsessed with winning every art competition, every cheerleading tryout, every academic award becomes a fixation with winning at everything in life.
An inner pressure builds that reinforces the need to win at doing the dishes, having perfect children, keeping a perfect home, having a perfectly healthy diet, and everything in between.
If something is out of order, the fear of failure is triggered... which is really a fear of death. What is meant to be the marvelously mundane, sensual, real part of life fades as you begin to cling to survival.
"If I don't finish these dishes... I'm a failure. You can't win an award for something unfinished."
"If I don't answer all of my emails... I'm letting people down. You can't win in business if people aren't happy with you."
"If I don't complete this project... I might never complete it. You can't move forward when everything is in disarray."
We may not consciously think these thoughts... but they're there, deep in our psyche, all the same.
Can't win. Can't move forward. Can't trust myself to follow through... this is where the internal imprinting around depravity and unworthiness becomes an external obsession.
I always thought I wanted a challenge.
Someone to stretch me outside of my comfort zone and ask more of me than I could deliver. Something that would break my perfectionism and release my shadow - the part of me that thought I was less than and unworthy.
At the same time, I ran from anything that might present discomfort or require me to take a risk. Uncalculated risk is like the kryptonite of perfectionism.
While I ran, and fought the desire of my shadow to break free... I burned myself out.
The obsession of perfectionism and the consuming desire to cover up my own fears of inadequacy sucked every last bit of energy from every last cell in my body.
My soul was craving something more. To be alive and very human. For to be fully human is innately imperfect - instinctively wild.
"Chill out. Breathe. Look around at the fun waiting to be had by you. It's time to play. Break some rules. Raise some hell. Laugh at the farce of perfection."
This was the challenge I really craved.
Thankfully, life brought it to me.
Forced failures I couldn't control - having an unplanned C-section birth, a baby who violently refused to nurse at 9 months old, and a husband who was lost in the pit of a soul-sucking job - penetrated the protection of perfection I had maintained so well for so long.
This challenge came, not through the assignment of a teacher or the challenge of a competition, but through the death of perfectionism and the embracing of my own wild, rebel soul. Through my connection with my own true identity and sexuality, and through relationships with real, unpredictable, imperfect people... I learned what it felt like to be alive, sexy, and embodied as a woman.
Life unapologetically slapped me in the face with challenges, losses, and confusion I never knew I'd face. This shed layers of ego pride, attachment, and false confidence... and brought me a new courage that would be the fire to light my way.
Motherhood broke my perfect plans and released me from the chains of doing it all right. My children drained my body, and left me with empty space to rebuild myself anew. Not just as a mother, but as a woman with a place and a purpose in the world.
Marriage brought the importance of relationships and communication into a raw reality I couldn't ignore. A refining fire to be sure... the first ten years of marriage were sometimes a brutal raging fire, sometimes wildly passionate dancing flames, and always rich from the fertility of the ashes.
Entrepreneurship stripped away - and is still stripping away - the remains of the inner depravity I've felt. The inadequacy. The wrong-ness. The not-enoughness. Entrepreneurship has been a journey of empowerment. That rebuilding, fertility, purpose, and courage... all culminating in a potent body of work that I have birthed into the world to serve and awaken others to their divine selves.
When our inner fire is lit up, turned on, and fueled by pleasure, we will no longer dip into cycles of burn-out. We will live in the power of our own presence.
Achievement will be a done deal, full of satisfaction on a soul level. We will move slowly, steadily, and intentionally towards our goals with deep self-trust.
Work becomes illuminated with passion and clarity. We consume our work with our presence... instead of it consuming us. Control is set aside as we create and birth... allowing our work to flow through us.
Our lives become full expressions of a rich, grounded identity that leads us to take divine care of our bodies, our minds, our partnerships, our relationships, and our families.
When we live from the fire of pleasure and embody our unapologetic presence... we resurrect our sexual power and watch it rush like a river into every crevice of who we are and how we live.