There’s one thing NO orgasms and TOO MANY orgasms have in common…
They can both leave you utterly dissatisfied, frustrated, and on edge… but why?
“What does it mean to be sexually satisfied?"
This was the question I was still asking myself after years working through my own sexual shame, emotional blocks, and intimate resistance. Even though I had found sensual liberation within myself and sexual connection with my partner like never before… there was something missing from my experience of pleasure. That’s the thing about the journey of embodying our sexuality and sexual power – it never ends! There is always a new level to grow into.
I thought I had hit the jackpot – multiple orgasms, serial orgasms, full body orgasms, orgasms from intercourse, g-spot orgasms, female ejaculation. Even though I could experience the highest heights of pleasure… sometimes I felt an odd emptiness as my partner drifted off to sleep. I laid in bed marinating in resentment over not having “enough.”
I’d run through the course of events from the evening:
Emotional connection? Check!
Sensual pleasure? Check!
Yet my body felt restless and my mind would wind down into a pit of bitterness that my partner was asleep while I still felt that I needed “more.”
The truth was… more wasn’t the answer.
What a wakeup call to realize that the problem was… too many orgasms.
Wait – what? TOO MANY ORGASMS?
Yes. Too many orgasms. Or maybe I should say – too much of a dependence on the outcome of too many orgasms to guarantee emotional satisfaction.
I thought I was crazy at first – most women would give anything just to experience an orgasm, ejaculation, or a few rides to the climax zone and here I was grumping and moaning that I wasn’t satisfied with 5 or 10 in a row.
I found myself doubting if my orgasms were full orgasms or real orgasms and wondering why they weren’t enough.
Maybe I was still doing something wrong? This is the great lie women tell themselves – if I feel dissatisfied in my life, I must be doing something wrong. Or even deeper yet I must BE wrong.
As I dug deeper I found that I wasn’t doing anything wrong, but my mind and thoughts were totally in the wrong place.
In case you hadn’t heard – your brain is your most important sexual organ. Your thoughts, your emotions, and the stories (or fantasies!) you carry around with you shape your sexual desire and experience more than anything.
Brain scans of women visualizing touching themselves have shown that the same centers in the brain are stimulated during actual sexual stimulation. Fascinating!
The whole issue of too many orgasms which was really a reliance on the orgasms to satisfy me was all in my head, and here’s why:
I was approaching sex as if I was a man.
Biologically, I am not programed to ejaculate and feel done. Women can have an infinite amount of orgasms and literally go all night long. Personally, I’m usually exhausted before I hit my absolute limit of orgasms and pleasure.
It seems this is the case for most women when they are fully in their sexual power. Receiving feels good, creating pleasure feels good, and our energy isn’t totally drained by one ejaculation or orgasm.
We don’t HAVE to be masculine in our sexuality or our orgasm. In fact, this is exactly why I started to redefine what sexual satisfaction meant to me.
When sexual satisfaction was grounded in my most intimate thoughts, my soul, and my body and not so much in my score-keeping-ego-mind I found that I could lose myself in each orgasm instead of wondering when I’d feel “done.”
Every time I had sex I expected the same sensation/experience.
Sex is dynamic. Creative. Relational. When I released this expectation of “coming down” or totally wearing out my libido, I opened myself up to the variety and nuances of sex with my partner.
I stopped asking myself when I’d be finished and started asking questions like:
- I wonder what this experience will feel like?
- What can I experience today that was new or different than before?
- How can I play and enjoy myself in this moment?
My ego was tripping me up looking for an end, when in fact sex never ends.
My genius husband, Adam, once said, “Steena, we are always having sex.”
This statement totally threw me for a loop. It took me a few minutes to process the weight and truth of his statement.
Instead of feeling like sex starts and stops, that I have to be in a particular mood for it, and that it’s an event that I have to be sure is frequent enough for him… I shifted into understanding the divine dance of sex.
Flirting became part of sex. Sitting together reading became part of sex. Brushing by each other in the kitchen became part of sex.
We could fool around in the middle of the day and I could release the pressure and thought that he’d be expecting something from me later (he really wasn’t).
I could have an orgasm or ten or loose count and still have more tomorrow or in the morning. Pleasure became abundant and infinite.
I could tease him, play, experience pleasure, and release the notion that sex would ever be over.
So, what does it mean to be sexually satisfied?
Let me ask you this: What do you want sexual satisfaction to mean in your life and relationship? What would actually feel good to you?
For me, sexual satisfaction has become about fully satiating myself in every moment of my life and relationship with my husband. Being saturated in pleasure. Allowing flow. And coming back for more whenever I please.
Take a moment to feel what it’s like to take the limits, rules, and restrictions off of your sexual satisfaction, let yourself sink into the limitless pleasure of your body, and enjoy every moment in the flow of sex.